Las manillas del reloj siguen pasando. Y yo sigo aquí plantada frente del ordenador intentando escribir lo que parece claro en mi cabeza. 

Momentos de estupidez me hicieron perder a la persona a la que he querido como no he querido nunca.

 Le extraño, le necesito. Extraño saber que a las 9:30 voy a darle los buenos días, a desearle un buen día, que se ría de mi y yo finja estar enfadada porque me trata muy mal. Extraño que me llame marmotilla por dedicar gran parte de mi tiempo a dormir. Extraño esperar que el botoncito de su foto en skype se cambie a verde e intentar arreglar mi pelo rojo en los pocos segundos que tengo hasta que responda a la llamada. Extraño que me de los bueno días con un "buenos días preciosa" 

Extraño oír un te quiero.

dias de madrugada

Ni si quiera ha abierto los ojos, y ya sabe donde esta.

Nota un brazo rodeando su cintura, y sabe que no hay ropa bajo las sabanas.

Aparta su brazo, y sale de la cama. Recupera su ropa, se mira en el espejo, y ve lo que ve cada noche que sale de fiesta.

Una joven desaliñada, con oscuras ojeras y un largo día por delante.

Desde hace tiempo que su vida es así.

Salir de fiesta todas las noches, y acabar en la cama de alguien.

Por que vive así? Porque la rompieron el corazón. 

El hombre del que estaba enamorada, fueron meses de felicidad, de sonreír.

Pero luego todo se torció, ya no había cariño, ni si quiera palabras dulces. Todo eran broncas, malos ratos y arreglarlo bajo las sabanas.

Pero eso se acabo, ella ya no era la misma. Su única manera de disfrutar es salir de fiesta, sentarse en la barra con su mejor vestido, esperar a que la inviten a una copa, bailar, tomarse otra copa y hacer como que no sabe que están poniendo algo en su copa.

Meterse alguna que otra ralla en el baño, y despertase en la cama de otro hombre, vestirse y seguir.

Where Dreams Begin

I am sitting on a high branch of my favorite place on earth.
Its getting dark, but I am still able to see a lot from this place.
You can hear the sound of the crickets somewhere in the dark, the birds singing to the end of the day, the flow of the water going downhill, horns of stressed drivers wishing to get home soon and far away voices of kids beging to stay longer playing with their friends.
It is the middle of February; the trees are still missing their leaves. The rabbits are getting ready to wake up. The sunbeams try to make the last hours of the afternoon warmer.
You can feel the humidity of this place, the clouds getting ready to pour. Spring is definitely coming, brought in on the winds of days of rain. Days of staying home, wishing to return to this place, to my tree.

When times are at their worst, I take my bike, put my headphones on, put my favorites playlist, "No More Tears" and "Keep Calm and Carry On" on the highest volume, and disconnect from the world. I ride, through the forest, ride, ride and ride. When my breath is too fast to continue, i sit down, hold my breath and wait for the pain to stop. Strange, how that is, when the tears start going down my face, I can breath normally again. I turn the volume even louder, A Day to Remember screaming in my ears; making me forget about everything, nothing is in my mind, I just listen to the lyrics, following the rhythm with my head, hands and feet, no more until I stop crying with no choice but to listen. When the tears are gone, I stop my music, take my headphones off, and listen to what is left- listen to the crickets.
That's how I found the tree. I climbed it the very first time I saw it, climbing higher until the branches started to crack. I stayed. I sat right where I was, and viewed the landscape, while "Cuando el sol se va" played. I was there, until the perfect sunset, a sunset that gave me hope, and strength to continue fighting no matter what life throws my way.
When it's completely dark and cold, I return home. The only thing that is on my mind, is that sunset, I am feeling stronger, happier and with more desire than ever to keep fighting. And for the first time in a long time; I smiled.

fuck everything

And when they told you that everything was going to be okay, you fucking believe them .
Because you need it, because you were going to quit, for first time in your life, you were going to say i cant, and just quit, leave everything you fight for.
But you hold to that hope, with tears in your eyes, just because everybody said it was going to be ok.

But is not, no instead of being a team, this is a competition, to be the favorite, but you know what? You are not playing.

Stop thinking, start living

Have you ever feel like you are just doing everything wrong?
That people is expecting the best from you?
Trying to do everything perfect, and just messing everything up?

You cannot imagine how many people feel like that every single day. Thinking that they just try to do what ever they can to do everything right, and they are just fucking everything up.

I have feel like that for a long time, feeling that i can be a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, a better girlfriend.
But you know what? That is the past, and i live the present. Because I cannot change my past, but yes my future.
I decide who im going to be in a few years, how im going to be, and how im going to fight for what i want.

Stop thinking too much about everything, and enjoy your life and the people who is around you, because they love you to death, and they are going to care about you.

Stop thinking and start living.

Never give too much, if you know that it's not going to come back

What happened with this?

Where are the good mornings my princes? Where are the butterflies every time that you talk to me?

Where are all of our dreams together?

Since a while ago, I just noticed that you don't love me anymore, you don’t want to spent time with me, you just want to do other things and not with me.

Just doing whatever you want, being selfish again, playing with me.

But I'm not going to life that, not again.

I have life with that for a long time, living in a lie, knowing that you cheat me, and, is not having cheated me what hurts, what hurts is you not telling the truth.

I will probably forgive you, because what i feel for you is bigger than that. 

And you know why I didn't say anything? Because I was scared of losing you, because I gave too much for you, I lost my friends and my family. I stopped doing what I want and like, just because I wanted to see you happy.

And during all that time, I was happy; I was the happiest person on world.

But now that’s over, there is nothing left.

Just two estrangers saying I love you.

Run! Run! Run!

I run thought the forest, i know he is behind me, he is too close, screaming my name.
"Amanda!" "Amanda, come back! I promise you that I´m going to change!"

I don´t trust him, not anymore. I have been four months in this dirty room, he hitting me, screaming at me, suffering, hungry, almost dead. I´m not coming back, I´m going to run until i throw up my heart.

I fall down a few times, but I get up and continue running, my freedom is a few yards away, just a few yards away.

I´m so tired, so exhausted of fighting, I feel pain in every part of my body.

I don´t have forces to continue.
I know that he is going to find me, he is faster and stronger, and I´m almost dead.

And then I fall down, I fall down a hill, I roll over, over rocks and branches, I feel more pain, but I don´t care.

I know this is going to be the last time that i breath. I wait him, lying next to the mouth of the river, just waiting, waiting to my dead, and remembering the moments in which I was happy with him.

I remember our first kiss, a stolen kiss in front of my house that winterr night, I remember the first time that we hold hands together, and when I met his family. I was so happy; I was the happiest person in the world.

I continue remembering beautiful moments with him, and that makes me relax and forget about what is coming up.

"Amanda" I hear his voice, he is so close, he is almost next to me. I just wait for the pain coming back.

But when I open my eyes again, I see my mom next to me, in my room.
I´m sweating and crying, and then I realize that it was just another ba nightmare.